It’s the end of the year but you have the impression it’s the end of your life?
Start the New Year with a plan. Don’t make a resolution, make a habit!
Whatever your situation might be now, you have the power to change it.
• Depression can be overcome.
• You can lose weight and find love.
• You can heal and transform your life.
Believe you’re happy, and you’re half way there.
It’s over when you die
If change was easy, everybody would do it – I have heard this from several people who made it.
As you might have realised, all the chapters treated one thing only: humans are all the same, what differentiates them is ONE single decision: to fight or to surrender. To strive to change, or to accept what happens to you.
What surprises me the most is the fact that we all want a better life, without doing the work. I wanted that too. For 40 years of my existence, I was a spectator in my life. And I cried when things went from bad to worse. I crawled and bowed my head while I was telling myself that it was going to be sunny on my road too, one day. I thought it would happen because I was a good person. The truth is that we are all good until we take the decision not to be good anymore. And this might happen at any time in our existences. It could occur when we are just a baby. It could happen with or without our knowledge.
I knew I had to change for more than 15 years. If you reach thirty and you feel like you never lived, then it is definitely the time to change. I tried many times, but the fact I didn’t succeed means that I wasn’t serious about it.
If the change doesn't occur in a very long period of time despite many efforts it is either because you are doing something wrong or not enough. Change strategy after you did your best to follow one without a break. Adapt and keep working on yourself. Don’t give up. It’s not the strategy that is useless, you are doing it wrong.
We have seen people who are not smart being extremely prosperous.
“I don’t have the looks.” – How many actors, models who don’t look that good, quite the contrary, are incredibly successful? Why do you think is that? Because they were born to get what they wanted in life?
We were all born to get what we want in life, but we are weak and don’t do the work. These people did everything in their power to be in movies. To play the role of their lives. They didn’t stop at anything. They woke up at 4 am, went to the gym, then knocked on every door they found. When they were turned down, they knocked again, and again, and again until someone opened and let them in. Most people give up at the first try, “It was so humiliating. They didn’t even look at me. I can’t go through this again.”
If you think that after a few attempts, of course you give up. I felt that when I gave up. I cried like a baby in the corner of a room and swore I would never embarrass myself in front of anyone again. But when at forty I realised there was no other way, I started doing what those who made it do. With the mentality I had, the sensitivity, the sense of guilt, it was impossible to get anywhere. I had to make a paradigm shift first. And it wasn’t easy. If for 40 years you are a victim, taking life in your own hands triggers a war inside you. Mind, body, and soul in conflict for 24 hours a day is utterly exhausting. That’s why most of us don’t stick with the decision to change. Surviving is easy, living is an endless tussle.
Everybody wants to have an easy life. We would love to sit all day long, watching TV or walking around, having someone to serve us while we swim in luxury. Some of you will contest this with vehemence, “I don’t want to walk around, I want to have a job I love, money to travel, a family to love me. I want to have a purpose.”
Well, if you really want that, you go and make it happen. Humans flew to the moon. That was impossible, changing is not that risky and definitely not that expensive. If I can do it, everyone can do it. After 2 years of holding on to my decision to change my thoughts in order to transform my life, I am still having troubles breathing. Like right now. And the reason for this is that I am doing something my body doesn’t like to do, insisting on believing I can live one day on my own terms. Everything in my body screams, ‘Give up, you fool. You have a good job that allows you to pay the bills. What else do you want? Many would love to be in your position. Sit back and relax. That’s what most people do.
You don’t have to fight against yourself. You have a destiny that will be fulfilled no matter what; Why do you make everything so complicated?
You’ll never make it;
Just who do you think you are? Have you forgotten you were born a Romanian farmer? Have you forgotten that you have little education?
Succumb and settle like everybody else. Marry the first bloke who proposes to you and accept the fact you’ll fight against one another daily. Just like everybody else. No one is perfect. Accept the fact you will hate listening to his constant laments about the weather, not enough money to spend on Friday nights and holidays. Accept the fact he will betray you on every occasion. That he will have imaginary sex with every woman (or man), he sets his eyes on. Porn actresses, singers, models, strangers who look so glamorous in pictures;
That’s how life goes for everyone. You can’t beat that. You are no one. Your life means nothing. You are one of the 7.5 billion. Nothing less and nothing more. Eat your breakfast, go to work, come home, and walk around until the next day. A regular life doesn’t require too much effort. Give up the fight. Aren’t you worn out already?’
You might feel the same, and I am sorry. Nobody has to fight if they are happy with their lives. If you don’t complain about your current situation, you don’t have to do anything other than what you’ve done until now. But if your day is characterised by endless laments, resentment, envy, jealousy, a sense of emptiness, gloominess, and despondency, then you must consider making a shift in your paradigm. You need to sacrifice, compromise, commit, sweat, believe in yourself and persevere when you are turned down over, and over, and over again. Everything has to change:
The way you sleep, drink, eat, walk, speak;
What you listen to or watch;
Your friends, interests, hobbies;
You need to give your time the value it merits;
You have to cherish struggle, rejection, defeat;
You need to force yourself to look in the mirror and see a worthy human being who can do anything!
You already knew everything you just read, right? Then why don’t you put it into practice? What’s stopping you? Who’s stopping you? If you feel like you are not going anywhere, why don’t you make the shift?
Dr Wayne Dyer used to say that we can’t force the shift. But others say exactly the opposite. I think that if we wait, it might take three lives until it happens. And from what I know, and everyone can prove it, we only have one life, and it is now, not after! If I had to wait for the shift to occur, I wouldn’t have written anything.
The internet and the libraries are full of amazing books, articles, movies that could help you shape your destiny. You read, watch them all even or especially if you disagree with the author or the idea. Invest as much time possible into educating yourself. When the moment comes, you have to be ready. You just need to take the decision to become whoever or whatever you want to be. Then you have to work hard to convince your body to follow the mind’s directions.
Are you contemplating death as the only solution to your struggles? I am the most entitled person that could understand you. I have been thinking of taking my life since I was just a child. A few months before turning forty, I was on the floor in my room, looking in a mirror and thinking the time was right to do what I have been thinking for the previous 39 years. I looked back and saw only misery, the present was dark, and the future seemed even worse. I was tired of fighting, I couldn’t take anymore. I was upset, angry, disappointed. I had nothing but sorrow. There was no point insisting. I thought the universe had already decided. However, I didn’t want to throw shame upon my family, so I spent a few weeks searching for the easiest and safest way to take my life without the evidence of suicide. But I haven’t trained my mind to think criminally, so I came up with nothing. All the ideas that I gathered weren’t bulletproof. In the past, I was a fan of The Mentalist, Lie to me, Dexter (for a few seasons) and several others TV serials on the same theme. I knew they would discover my intervention. I couldn’t risk it. I imagined the titles of newspapers and online articles. They looked dreadful. Then I thought of those who truly cared about me. They were not doing well either, was it fair ignoring their feelings? Was it fair to bring upon them other reasons to suffer?
So one day, I stared at my image in the mirror and told myself out loud the following: ‘It’s your life, if you don’t like it, you are free to make it over with. But just before you do that, give your best shot to change it. You’ve attempted it before but gave up before it happened. This is your last chance. You do whatever it takes. If in 5 years your opinion remains unaltered, then it’s over. You’d know you did your best and it wasn’t supposed to happen.’
The rest is history. After I had taken this ultimate decision – about which I am writing in detail in a new memoir – I realised that before I wasn’t serious about changing. I have waited for something to fall from the sky because I was a good person. I was expecting the shift that Dr Wayne Dyer spoke about. No, I wasn’t expecting it, I was demanding it because I thought I deserved it. Now, I am making the shift, and I am guiding it. Baby steps.
The only suggestion I can make is that you give your best shot before playing your last card. You invest absolutely everything: time, money, focus, energy for at least 2 years into transforming your life. Take time off from everything and everyone. You are already dead, it won’t matter. But you must do it in this life, and you must do it alone. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. The power is in your hands. You truly are the master of your thoughts. You might not believe in you, but I do.
Do you know why? Because I am 100% certain that you can do it. But you must plunge into this project 100%. Not 90 or 99 but 100. With no breaks and no second thoughts. If you really want to change, if you are so fed up with your empty life, you listen and follow the steps others made before you.
It’s not easy at all. If it was everybody would change, and nobody would be so depressed all the time. But if you start, you go until the end.
I have heard many teenagers saying with anger, “I don’t need you to tell me what to do. Let me make mistakes so I can learn from experience.” Except they never learn and blame their parents for not pushing them more.
No more wasting time with people and situations that drag you down;
No more sad songs, silly movies that make you temporarily forget your problems. These are like alcohol, when they are over, you go back to your desolation;
No more listening to the news, no more watching shallow shows on TV, playing the Xbox as forms of distraction.
If you don’t give up at all these, you won’t step out of your misery. There is no way that you attend a motivational seminar then go to back to your TV, social networks, gaming, expecting those 2 hours to be enough to make you change.
As I said, I tried many times but gave up thinking it was no use. “No, nothing works. I am a lost cause. Too broken to be fixed. There is no point insisting.”
I didn’t manage to change because I capitulated too soon. Because I expected the change to occur instantly or in a few months.
Let me ask you something, “If it took you 20-30-40 years of your existence to become such a wreck, how can you expect to fix that in a few months of trying?”
Everything is broken inside you. You are full of wounds. Your mind is shattered. Your heart is bleeding. It will take time to cure all these. Convalescence is necessary. Unorthodox methods are your best bet.
I used to think I was smart, strong, reasonable, and open-minded. But I wasn’t very humble as I despised neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), motivational speakers, bold and hard to understand beliefs. I actually said a few times that NLP is for losers. Like I wasn’t one...
I used to feel sick at the idea of wasting my time with positive affirmations and subliminal messages. But when the vicissitude of life pushed me to the ground for the umpteenth time and let me no escape, I had to make a supreme choice. The greatest of my life. I was one single second away from cutting my veins when the idea of change spurred into my mind. ‘If others were able to rise from their ashes, why not me too?’ The moment I took the decision to change, I gave up everything else. I fumbled and fell numerous times, but I refused to go back.
So I took my laptop and started the ultimate search for my lost soul. The final battle. ‘If people say that subliminal messages help, who am I to say the opposite? Look at me, I am crawling, suffocating from crying, submerged in pain and responsibilities that shouldn’t even be mine. I need help. Nothing worked in the past, so a change in strategy is an absolute must.’
Of course I didn’t really expect it to take that long and to be such an arduous process. I used to think and say that listening to subliminal positive affirmations is absolutely ridiculous. I was disgusted when I heard that many people waste their time with this useless activity. I couldn’t even conceive of such a thing. ‘I could tell myself these words. But that won’t make them true. I know I am not worthy. Although I am a good person and quite intelligent, I am not that intelligent. There isn’t anything extraordinary about me. I know I am not really strong. The only reason I am still alive is that I am the ultimate coward, I can’t take my own bloody life! Why should I lie to myself? How in hell could this nonsense help me transform my appalling existence? Terribly ludicrous, pathetic, and stupid!’
However, I forced myself to do it. My first step was to buy stickers with positive messages. “If you can dream it, you can do it!” – Walt Disney – that type, all clichés. My eyes hurt when I looked at them. I felt so childish! My mind retaliated it with violence, ‘You can’t even dream, how the hell are you supposed to do it then?’
Then I started writing what I thought I wanted to happen in my life. Many influential people in the world did this. So, I began waking up 1 hour earlier every morning and made a list of my desires. Then I wrote them as if they were already there, ‘I am a happy, positive and accomplished writer. My stories are appreciated around the globe. And so on.’ Pages and pages with the same words over and over and over again. I was terrified at the idea that someone might discover them and call a psychiatrist who would put me in a straightjacket.
Then I followed (still) the ritual of reading them out loud first thing in the morning and before going to bed. Every day. I am still doing it because 40 years of miserable paradigm can’t be overwritten in 2 years.
Listening to positive messages was even harder. My body rejected the idea with violence, my mind was literally bleeding, my face was covered in tears, my back in cold sweat. At that moment I understood what torture feels like. But when it’s inflicted on you by others while your hands and legs are tied up to a chair, you can’t do much. When this agony is your decision, bloody hell it feels infinitely worse!
All successful people recommend the use of positive affirmations daily, you check. At first I registered my voice reading out loud words of encouragement, praise, compliments, and so on. I also made a list of all my accomplishments I never really considered as such. I listened to them when I walked to and from work (50+50 minutes).
This made me feel so pathetic, but I didn’t give up. I downloaded positive affirmations recited by strangers and focused on them. Every fibre in my body was aching. My mind rejected them with ferocity, ‘What is wrong with you? You know it’s not true. It will never happen;
Based on your experiences, your destiny is to suffer in eternity;
You are cursed. Nobody believes in you. You don’t believe in yourself. Give me a break, you can’t be a writer, you are a farmer!
You can’t do that. You can’t do anything. Stop fighting against fate. Nobody ever won this battle. You are not strong enough;
Who will read your stories? Just who do you think you are?
You are not an erudite, you have no expertise;
So what if you speak three languages, people are fluent in seven, twelve, or even fifteen;
Give up already. Stop fooling yourself. The universe has no power. There is no such a thing as positive vibrations;
People will step on your dignity again. They will wash the floor with your human essence. They will push you to the ground and spit on your work. They will mock and denigrate you. They will call you delusional and arrogant. They will laugh at your pain. They will invent anything to destroy you. You know this already. You know how it feels. Do you really want to torture yourself again? Are you a masochist or just terribly stupid?
You are losing your mind, go to a psychiatrist;
Nobody will publish your books. Your life story is just a story. Nothing extraordinary about it. You are not Victor Hugo. You will never write like Thomas Hardy. You are an amateur, and there are millions like you. How are you planning on getting noticed when the competition is so ferocious? Are you sure you can swim in this sea of sharks? They will take your money and bury you in shame;
You make me feel sick. So what if you are elegant and can walk in high heels? It’s nothing to be proud of. How are these helping you? You can’t defy ageing. It’s too late. Look how old and ugly you are. Nobody loves you. Nobody wants you;
You are too sensitive for this world. A crier, a servant, a follower, not a leader;
Just kill yourself and make it over with. The world would be a better place without you.’ And the list could continue indefinitely.
5 months of persecution from these and many other terrible beliefs and behaviours – nature – resulted in tangible improvements in my thinking patterns. My confidence started to build up. I stopped crying so often. I gave a different meaning to my struggling. And most importantly, I slowly started believing that becoming a writer was possible.
I think it was then when I realised that most people use their ignorance as an excuse to not do anything extraordinary in this life. Most of us are offended when someone calls us stupid. But it turns out that this is our defence against change. The perfect pretext not to try anything. Ignorance is a shield behind which those who don’t want to do much in this world hide.
But we all know that “No man is his craft’s master the first day.” If we sit all day long watching TV shows, films and serials, we will never enhance our knowledge, right? If we listen to songs that praise humiliation, loss, discrimination, pain, gloominess we will not feel inspired to get out of misery, will we? We resonate with those negative feelings, and we feel understood somehow. We chose infantile distractions on purpose.
Almost 2 years after, I am still listening to subliminal messages and positive affirmations daily. I know that if I stop now, or take a break, the risk to go back to my miserable life is tremendous. I listen to them when I sleep, when I walk to work and back, when I clean the house, while I write and study (at a very low volume in the background).
I also still listen to audiobooks that treat this subject. All the free audio books on YouTube were heeded by me at least once. From each of them, I learnt something. Some of them became my bible, and I access them once a week, a few daily. Many people are convinced that reading a book once is enough to acquire the meaning of it. What I am doing taught me that if an idea gives you the chills, then you should listen to it – or read it if you prefer – as often as possible. Especially when you are in this process of mental – life – transformation. I prefer the audiobooks because I can do other things while listening. However, I know that perusing something written on a piece of paper might have a stronger impact on you. You choose. If I were twenty, I would have, most certainly, chosen the paperback versions.
The reason one should insist on watching, reading, listening to something positive ad infinitum is that we change even without noticing and some things we might have ignored in the past might become incredibly powerful and effective.
There is a motivational speaker I listen to first thing in the mornings: Les Brown. His talks sound different from one week to another.
Bob Proctor was the first one I listened to, and he promulgates a unique set of principles. I was so frustrated and upset because I didn’t like much his philosophies. I remember watching his seminars and crying from exasperation. I was incredibly conflicted and had tough times accepting or agreeing with him. I forced myself so badly that at some point I thought that I will die from too strong feelings of controversy. The Law of Vibration sounded very appealing, and that’s what I acquired from him.
Then I moved to the next motivational speaker, Louise Hay. You can heal your life resonated with me so much that I listened to absolutely everything I found with and about her. Then I discovered Eckhart Tolle, “What a liberation to realise that the voice in my head is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”
From him, I moved to everyone else suggested by YouTube and Google based on my researches. I literally plunged mind, body and soul into the search for my true essence. I fought against my thoughts, impulses, arrogance, scepticisms, cynicism, pessimism disguised in realism. 24 hours a day for several months I invested into getting to know and accept unbelievable theories propagated by extraordinary human beings like the ones mentioned above and many, many others. I can’t even remember all their names. You do research, and once you start, you won’t have time for anything else. The amount of self-help is infinite. Only one who doesn’t want to change, can’t find this priceless. Don’t be arrogant and think you know better. Unless, of course, you are happy with your current situation. All right? Nobody is required to change something they are pleased with. I hope you have understood this by now.
But if you complain, my suggestion is: The earlier you start, the faster you can transform your life entirely.
Of course, among these great people, I also came across despicable creatures who vaunt themselves and have great success on YouTube. One guy, for example, very detestable looking, teaches the art of manipulation (among other abhorrent topics). I was utterly disgusted by all his lessons. I spent like 5 hours in one day watching and listening to him. I was mesmerised by depravation. I really couldn’t believe that such a repugnant being could get so many followers and views. However, that’s when I gathered that if his distasteful concepts can be accepted, my style has a market too. In the end, he gave me hope.
So you see, you can learn something good from anyone. I so wish I had learnt that from a nice person, not from a big-headed brute with whom I randomly collide in my nightmares.
When I didn’t watch motivational seminars, I listened to subliminal messages and encouraging affirmations in which I never trusted. I had such a repulsion towards all this sort of new age therapy that I can’t even explain in words. Until I turned forty, I was convinced that positive thinking was a bullshit notion sold to gullible and uninformed humans. How ashamed I am now it’s hard to describe. So much camouflaged arrogance in my old beliefs.
Although Bob Proctor is not in my top five favourites, he is the one who opened my eyes and initiated me on the tricky path of paradigm transformation. I totally believe in the Law of Vibration being linked to the Law of Attraction. I will always be grateful.
Again, you might not like an idea or a person, but you can still change if you are fed up with your current situation. From my own experience, I gathered that one has to be at the nadir of their existence in order to want and force the change. Curious is the fact that I hit rock bottom quite a few times in my life and have strived for happiness since I was a child, yet it took me 40 years to move into the same direction of the wind of change.
Some people take the decision to change their lives at an early age. I really don’t know what drove them, but they have my admiration.
Changing takes time. Success takes time. Nothing happens overnight while we sleep. We would like that very much, isn’t it? I know I would. Without discipline, consistency, resilience, grit, determination, self-esteem, we are a ship adrift. Don’t be a victim of destiny, unless that’s your goal that makes you happy.
Nobody can force you to change or to become successful, these have to be your free choices. If you are happy with your situation, don’t do anything, changing is not required. You know what’s best for you. But if you are weary and contemplate death as the only escape, don’t give up life before having invested at least 2 years of your existence into shifting your paradigm.
Victimism, drama, guilt don’t serve you any good. Move away from these. Don’t succumb to negativity and sufferance. There is always another way.
Choose living instead of surviving. Believe you can do it and you are halfway there.
Remember that we are what we think we are.
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About the Author
Cristina G. was born in Romania during one of the harshest communist regimes that ever existed.
The tenth child of a farmer’s family, she has six sisters and used to have four brothers, now only two.
Aged eight, she read Les Misérables by Victor Hugo and fell irremediably in love with books. Since then she kept dreaming of writing for many years, and she wrote a lot, but never thought of publishing.
In 2012, after living in Italy for ten years, Cristina became a blogger.
In June of 2014, with the help of a British friend, she moved to the UK. Here, although her expectations were not great, Cristina fulfilled the dream she never dared to dream before.
Cristina G. is now a registered author and dedicates her life to writing focusing on human behaviour, emotions and feelings.
Her latest book is the self-help/nonfiction, It’s Never Game Over.